About a month ago my computer broke…hence the lack of posts for awhile. As much as it was a bummer to have to send it out to get it fixed, it really was a good thing. I was able to focus more on the things around me instead of on the screen. It took some getting used to, but I did survive. Now that I have it back I am going to try and limit the amount of time I spend on it so I don’t get caught up in the whole social media frenzy that was my life before. I did miss blogging though.
So much has happened in the last 4 weeks. Exactly 3 weeks ago yesterday I finally told my husband I was done. It did not go over well at all. I have just finally realized that in order for me to be the person I am supposed to be, I cannot be married to a man I do not love. I know that we have children, and they are still my biggest priority. It’s just not right to stay together because of them. I was not happy where I was at, and the kids knew it. My being miserable and us fighting all the time would be more damaging to them than our getting divorced. Although technically we are not getting divorced yet…he wants a trial separation first. I find it silly, but I am giving him time. I found an apartment that I will hopefully sign the lease for on Monday. I can’t wait for the next step in my life. I know the road will be hard, but I also know that for the first time in probably ever, I am free. I am happy. I will be on my own, which I have never done before. I started a new job last Monday, which I already love. It’s only a 2 month contract, but I am really hoping that they will hire me on permanently. It’s just such a perfect job for me.
Throughout the month of March I was so incredibly stressed out because of this decision that I ended up losing 12 pounds. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. And I wasn’t working out anymore because I didn’t want to hurt myself by doing too much when I wasn’t healthy. The past few days I have been back to my old self. I look forward to getting the apartment so I can get a schedule figured out for myself. I want to be able to run again…and right now I just haven’t figured out where to fit that in. I feel like a lot hinges on getting moved out of this house. For the moment, we are still sharing the house. It has been difficult, but we have been able to figure out a way to make it work for the time being.
I still haven’t decided it I will blog about the whole thought process behind my decision for leaving. I probably will, but it’s going to take some time to piece it together. I have grown so much over the last 4 weeks. I found strength I never knew I had. I found courage I didn’t think existed. I found that there is happiness out there for me, I just have to be willing to go after it.
So my day yesterday didn’t quite go as I had planned. Meaning, I didn’t stick to my guns. I ended up not working out like I had planned. I had zero motivation and I started reading a book. It took until almost midnight to finish (yes, I am a book freak and I have to finish them as soon as possible). Even though I didn’t get it done, I still stuck to eating gluten free. I had a pretty big snack and some gluten free pizza at lunch. More than I needed. So I had a green smoothie for dinner. I had the leftovers for breakfast this morning, of the smoothie that is. After doing the Whole30, I have realized the importance of getting enough vegetables in my diet. I am finding it a bit more difficult to go back to my eggs for breakfast and I am really enjoying my green smoothies. They contain about 2 servings of fruit and at least 4 servings of veggies. I am working on getting new ideas for healthy, veggie heavy smoothies. I would love to juice, but as I don’t own a juicer, smoothies are my way to getting back on track. I am striving to get 1 meal of Whole30 standards and then 2 smoothies to supplement the other meals. I am using coconut milk to get good fats in there, or I may try blending in olive oil. We’ll see. I am still playing around with it. I like trying out new ideas. I know that paleo is the right way for me to eat, I feel so much better this way. Using smoothies for a bit is just getting me in the right place. It’s definitely the small things that get me where I need to go.
I delayed my workout again today, but I did manage to get it in this evening. I definitely made the right decision to redo Week 2. I did workout 1 tonight and could do the whole thing, but it was tough. I am definitely looking forward to moving on to the next half of the first phase next week. I know it’s going to be hard, but I need to get past my 14 day slump. That’s about how long I am able to stick out a workout routine. I need to get over it and just move. I am a day “off” of how I originally had scheduled my workouts, but as long as I stick to a schedule, it doesn’t have to start on Monday. I can have Monday be a rest day instead of Sunday. I’m still not sure how I get it stuck in my head that things can only start on Monday’s…
So 2 days of gluten free under my belt again. Today was tough emotionally for me. I hate what gluten does to me. It makes me angry. Literally. And going through the withdrawal has the same effect. I wish it was easier to do without it, because I hate what it does to me. Oh, but on a huge positive note, I convinced the hubby (finally!!!) that we need to try a gluten free diet with the kids!! So this week I am going to start meal planning and making sure the preschool only gives my kids the foods we send instead of their sugary snacks that they provide. I am so excited to try this out! I know it negatively effects at least one of my kids. I look forward to seeing what differences we may see. I will try and update on that as well, if anyone is interested. I am curious to see how E reacts to having no sugar and no gluten. I am pretty sure she will be a different child. I plan to get the kids started on gluten free by the weekend. I know that the first few days are rough, so keeping them home with us is a better idea!
My goals for tomorrow are to do Workout 2, supplement 2 meals with green smoothies, no gluten, no sugar (i.e. chocolate!), and to get some work done with my 31 business. I have been procrastinating in all areas of my life since getting sick. It’s time to pick myself up and move forward. Literally.
It has been a rough couple of weeks for me. And I am frustrated, because it really didn’t need to be as difficult as I let it become. I finished week 2 of the Body Revolution and on President’s Day I started week 3 with workout 3. It was hard. I was going to do a 2 week review on how things were going. I took measurements (which were awesome!!) yet I ran out of time that day. The next morning I woke up with influenza. I was sick. As in, didn’t get out of bed for a week kind of sick. It was tough. My throat hurt, my body hurt, my chest hurt. Yet I kept my eating in check. I wanted comfort food. I had homemade chicken broth, sweet potatoes, and finally realized that smoothies would be a great idea. I actually lost about 5 pounds because I just wasn’t eating enough. I kept waiting to feel better so I could get back to working out. It just wasn’t happening. So off to the doctor I went. I was given an antibiotic for a sinus infection on top of the influenza. What I forgot to check was if there was any options available that didn’t contain gluten. I discovered after a couple days that my exhaustion was no longer from the illness, but from the medication. So what did I do? Did I rise above and continue to eat healthy? Nope. I decided that since I was going to be feeling crappy anyway, I may as well “enjoy” it and eat gluten. And eat gluten I did. To the point of being miserable actually.
So now I have taken 2 weeks off of the Body Revolution, instead of just one. So this week I am
planning going to re-do week 2 in order to get back in the swing of things. If it seems easy to do, I will jump back up to week 3. I feel like I failed, but I know I didn’t. Failing means that I am not getting back up and trying again. So I will keep moving forward. My weight is up a bit, but I know it’s water weight. I will get rid of it again. I joined my third Dietbet which starts today. I am using this Dietbet to keep me in check. The first one was easy, the second one was tough, but I made both. This one will help keep me going. The first week or so I need to remember that everything I put in my body fuels my body. I don’t like the way it feels these days. I want to go back to feeling healthy. This challenge will help keep my mind in the right place. I also have a 90 day challenge that was supposed to start today, but it seems as though there is a hold on that. However I do still plan on reaching a certain place by my 31st birthday in June. I am not going to let the past couple of weeks dictate how the rest of my life is going to go.
The rest of this month I am going to concentrate on one day at a time. Today I will workout. I will eat no gluten today. I do plan on doing a Whole14 to get back to paleo. I just feel so much better eating that way. It’s just going to take me a bit to get back in that mindset. So today I take the first step.
I never seem to be able to actually post on the day that I weigh in. I need to work on that. This post has good news, bad news, and good news. So we’ll start with some good news first. My weigh in on Wednesday:
Previous Weight: 181
Today’s Weight: 177.6
Weekly Loss: 3.4
That’s another great loss! Partially from being sick over last weekend, but it was still a loss. So there’s my first bit of good news. So here comes the bad news. Valentine’s Day was a huge source of frustration for me. I weigh myself daily (for those of you that have been with me for awhile know this already, and I do have my reasons for this) and until now it has never been an issue. I accept my daily fluctuations. I get that my weight won’t steadily decrease every day. Yet this time I find myself frustrated that the scale bounces up and down. I go up a pound, down a pound. And overall I am losing. I mean, I lost 3.4 pounds last week, right?!? For some reason it’s not enough. The numbers I am losing is fine, but the constant knowledge of my weight is starting to grate on me. So much so that on Valentine’s Day I was furious. For all the wrong reasons. Even though I feel different, I look different, and I do actually weigh less I was frustrated. Like, beyond reasoning, frustrated. I didn’t want to eat eggs for breakfast. I wanted cereal. I rationalized…well technically my Whole30 is over, I can start the reintroduction process. But that’s just dairy, and I want cereal. My daughter had picked out one of my favorite cereals and there it sat on the kitchen table. I circled it all morning. Debating the pros and cons in my head. I guess the fact that I even debated not eating it is a success, right? I finally caved. I’m not even sure if that’s the right word. But I did. I had bowl of cereal. It was sweet. The milk hurt my stomach. I remembered why I don’t eat cereal anymore (cereal has always been my go-to comfort food). I decided I was going to eat Whole30 compliant the rest of the day.
Fast forward two hours later and we are making brownies. My husband came home for lunch, and I couldn’t wait for him to leave so I could taste one. I didn’t want to eat it in front of him. But I desperately wanted the chocolate. I won’t say I gorged myself on treats, but I will say that I had more than my fair share. I ate a great, healthy lunch and then had desserts. But rather than scarf them down like I would previously, I savored them. I allowed myself to enjoy the experience of eating it. And I allowed myself to taste the flavors. Everything was ultra sweet. I felt sick, but not because I ate too much but because of the crap. It was all crap. So at this point I made a decision. I knew that if I finished my day whole30 compliant, I would have a hard time starting again the next day. I needed the day to experiment. So I did. I told my husband to order pizza for dinner. And again I allowed myself to really experience the food. It was awesome! Of course, pizza is one of those things that I will always love. But here’s the good news in all of this. I learned how to understand my body. I know I could have eaten more, but when I was satisfied I quit eating. I didn’t eat until stuffed. I ate until satisfied. HUGE difference. I had also planned on going all out and getting ice cream that night. When it came time to go get it, I chose not to. My body didn’t want it, and I listened!
That’s huge. Even though I had a day of eating garbage, I needed it. I needed to remember to some extent that this stuff makes me feel gross. I needed to be reminded that there is a reason I choose to eat healthy. I feel like I truly understand myself better now. My body has figured out how it’s supposed to work and when I tried to go back it said no thanks! Some people may think I gave in, or gave up that day. In some ways, maybe I did. I have been “perfect” with my eating since January 2nd. I went 34 days without a singe cheat. My body actually needed a day off. My brain needed a day off. And what’s funny is my body now doesn’t crave that. My mind does of course. I smell those brownies or see them on the counter. I am slightly tempted, but I am honoring my body by not eating them. I am sure that I will need the reminder again, but I am hoping it will be to a much smaller extent. I know it’s the Whole30 not the Whole365 for a reason. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be. Yet this one day has reignited my reasons for eating Paleo. I love how I feel, and I know it’s what my body needs to function properly. I will continue to honor my body for another Whole30. I look forward to seeing how many more results I get this second time. I know 1 day in between isn’t much, but for me it made a huge impression.
I apologize for not getting this up sooner. I am currently on Day 33 and had planned on posting right away, but the stomach flu kind of got in my way over the weekend. So for most people that finish the Whole30 and then have a glass of wine or start reintroducing dairy or eat a whole pizza (not recommended, but whatever!) I was “stuck” eating bone broth, sweet potatoes, and apple with almond butter. Seriously, that’s what I ate yesterday. And Saturday. It was kind of pathetic. Today I am back to feeling almost 100%, got my workout done and now to tell you about how the Whole30 changed my life
Ok, so I may not have had as many drastic changes as some. I had no “real” issues that I thought I would work out. I knew I have an issue with gluten, so I knew my tummy would feel better once that was gone. I did not have any medical issues that are clearing up, only because I didn’t have medical issues (that I know of) at this time. However, I had some amazing results. I am going to start with the one most everyone is curious about and work my way from there.
- Weight Loss: I lost a total of 14 pounds in 30 days! I have quite a bit of weight to lose, so I was hoping for a nice big number like that. And I will definitely take it. I only wish I had taken measurements at the beginning, because I know I didn’t just lose weight. I know I lost inches too. My body has absolutely leaned out. Today I weight 177.2 (lost some over the weekend) and my body is more fit at this weight than it was when I weight 160 pounds a couple years ago. My belly has shrunk in a way that exercise alone couldn’t accomplish. I am down about 2-3 pant sizes and my shirts have gone from an X-Large to a Large or Medium. I am feeling confident in myself again. Which leads right into my next benefit
- Confidence! I have learned that I really can do what I set my mind to do. This was hard. Ok, so it wasn’t “fighting cancer hard” but it definitely wasn’t easy. Especially at the beginning. And around day 20 or so. There were times I really wanted to eat sweets, or chips, or whatever I could get my hands on. But I have learned that I am capable of deciding my own fate when it comes to food. I am capable of turning down a cookie. Or saying no thanks, I have my own snack. I am strong. I am confident. I can accomplish my goals. For the first time ever I believe that I will accomplish my goal! That is huge, people! I have always thought it might be something I could do, someday. But now I absolutely know I can do.
- Skin: I really didn’t think I had much of a skin issue. I typically only get the occasional pimple around that time of the month. What I have had for my whole adult life is what my doctor called “chicken skin”. It’s on my upper arms leaving them rough, it’s almost like acne on your arms, only they aren’t zits. And I would always scratch at it or keep it covered because, well, it’s embarrassing. I remember being extremely embarrassed when my doctor pointed it out to me. I figured I would just always have it. Lotion makes no difference at all. However, at about Day 24 I noticed that my arms were smooth!! I have never had smooth arms! I made my husband feel them just to make sure I wasn’t crazy! The bumps are gone! You can still see the leftover poc marks and redness but even that is diminishing some. I never expected my diet to affect my skin in such a way. It makes me determined to get my oldest completely off of dairy as I know milk bothers her.
- Nails: Again, not really a problem to fix, but my nails have only ever been this strong during pregnancy. So this is just an extra bonus! I am loving this and it means that I need a manicure
My overall consensus is that I feel amazing. Like, extremely amazing! I have committed to continuing my Whole30 through to the end of February with my good friend DubyaWife so I am excited to see where I am at then as well. I also signed up for another 90 day challenge that starts in March (more details to come on this one), so my guess is I will continue on with this paleo lifestyle then too. As my friend Tara tweeted, if eating this way makes you feel this good, why would you change it? This is so true! I have no real reason to change what I am doing. I know it’s a Whole30, not a Whole365. And I know that I will not be perfect all the way until June. However, this is my base. I will keep coming back to this. I feel amazing. I can’t wait to see where this takes me! My husband and I are excited to be taking this new challenge together. I am healthier right now than I have probably EVER been in my entire life. And I am 30. It makes me sad to know that my 20s are gone and I lived them in such an unhealthy way. But looking forward I am so excited to start my 30s off in such an amazing way.
I do not have great pics for before and after, but what I do have I will post. The first one is at 197.8 lbs, and the second one is from today at 177.2 pounds:
I will have a post up next Monday with progress from my Jillian Michaels Body Revolution. I thought I would do one for this past week, but I wanted to get this one up first. And since the Body Revolution goes in 2 week cycles, it works out pretty well. But for whatever it’s worth, I am LOVING IT!
So yesterday was weigh in day. Now before I reveal how much I lost, remember that I just bought a new scale since my old one was pretty broken…
Last weeks weight: 186.6
Yesterdays weight: 181.0
Loss of: 5.6 pounds!
Ok, so it really is more like 1.6 pounds since I have to account for the 4 pound difference on the scales. No problem. 1.6 is still a great loss because it is after all, a loss. I have been slightly discouraged that my weight has been 181 since last Friday. It has not budged. And it’s tough. I know I’m doing the right things. I am eating better than I ever have. I am closing in on the perceived end of my whole30. I’m on day 28 today, but I do plan to go through to the end of February. I am working out twice a day right now with the start of Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (which I will do a weekly wrap up on Sunday/Monday). I am just assuming my body just needs a minute to catch up, readjust, and then drop more weight. I just want it to keep losing. That being said, all my shirts that barely fit me this fall because they were too tight, they are hanging on me today. They are getting to the point of being too big to wear. So I know that even though the scale may not be moving right now, I am making a difference! So that is encouraging.
My biggest frustration right now is the fact that the harder I work on myself, the further it pushes me away from the hubby. Things haven’t been all that great lately, and I feel like it’s not getting any better. I am even getting up at 5:45 to workout in the morning so that we can spend more time together on his lunch breaks and in the evenings. It just doesn’t seem to be helping matters. I find myself increasingly annoyed with everything he does. I know that’s not fair to him, I just don’t understand why this is happening. Every time I work on myself (yes, this has happened in the past, probably part of the reason I always quit before I reach my goal) it pushes us apart. As if the more I discover myself it opens my eyes to things I could just let pass before. And it’s not that he’s not supportive of my efforts, because he is. He is even eating healthier and going to the gym again. He joined the Dietbet and he is working hard to drop some weight. It’s more…I don’t know. It’s like being in high school again.
Let me explain that. Remember in high school (and maybe this isn’t how things worked for you, but it’s how it was for me). You had a crush on someone, but they never returned the favor. That’s rough. But you deal with it. I definitely had that happen to me. I wanted to have a boyfriend so badly that the first guy that liked me was “good enough”. It didn’t matter whether I really liked them as much as they liked me. It would come with time, right? Well when it didn’t happen, I would back off, but not break up. I didn’t want to hurt them. So I would push away until they broke up with me. When I met my hubby I was in a spot where I really didn’t believe anyone would be able to love me. I was a single mom of 2 year old, had just given my newborn son up for adoption. I was a mess. But here was this great guy that absolutely adored me. Yes I did adore him as well, but being me I was afraid to get too close. I kept my distance, but I craved love. I wanted to know that he loved me. It was the most important thing to me, to be loved. I needed him to love me. I thought I was happy. And for a lot of the time I was. But I was concerned. As our wedding approached, I was worried. Did I love him enough to marry him? Well, I sure couldn’t walk away now, I had promised to marry him! The love will come.
And now I sit here wondering why this is so hard. Why can’t I love him in the way that he loves me? I was happy with him once, why can’t I be happy now?
Sorry for the somewhat downer post, I just needed to get this all out. There is so much wrong here I wonder if it can be fixed. But I think the biggest question is, Do I want it fixed?
I had an awesome morning, and I just had to share it. I actually have several things to share this morning that I’m super excited about so hopefully I can get through them all without sounding like a jumbled mess! So I will start with why my morning was so awesome and I will go from there.
My morning actually started the same as always, and that means I leave the house late, frustrated with my hubby about not helping out enough with the kids and being all around crabby. I had to go to Target to get a few things. A new scale being one of them. I was actually excited to get a new scale as I knew mine was wrong. We changed the batteries in it about 6 months ago and it was off by about 5 pounds. Nothing to really worry about. But then it broke:
So I got fed up and decided it was time to purchase a new one. Except I really didn’t know where to find them. They move them all over the store. So after checking a few places I found someone that was doing inventory of sorts over in the fitness section (where all the weights and dvd’s are). I asked her where to find them and she told me where and then we started talking about weight a little. She laughed and said she knew she needed to get started on it, but just didn’t really know where to start. I could have just walked away and said nothing. So I perused the aisle and talked with her about how I was losing my weight. I told her that my motivation this year came from Dietbet. She wrote the name of the site down and said she was going to look into it when she got home. The more we talked, the more excited she got about getting started! I told her there was a whole community of people out there that can help motivate and support. She seemed intrigued. She asked if I changed my eating. I didn’t go into too much detail there, but I said yes. She confessed that she wants to lose the weight and she has a long way to go, but has never known how to really get started. She then thanked me and told me that I was an inspiration to her! She can’t wait to get started! In the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter how much weight I’ve lost so far, but my attitude about my healthy lifestyle that is inspiring and motivating. I was on cloud 9 the rest of the way through Target. Little ole me, I inspired someone!!
During the course of that conversation I picked up this gem:
I made myself wait until Emily had done her first week review, so after I read it this morning I knew I was going to buy it. And since I am not a patient person I bought it at Target rather than ordering it online. It means I don’t get the cool resistance bands, but I already have some, so I figure I didn’t really need those. I am starting this today. As in, right after lunch I am doing the first workout. I am tired off being the girl that starts something and never finishes anything. I have started 30 Day Shred many times, and get about halfway through before I lose motivation. So this time I will be using sheer determination. I may need help sticking with it. I may tweet how tired I am, but I WILL FINISH THIS. I am seriously excited about starting. This does not mean I am not going to stay committed to the goals I set for myself this month. In fact, this will be done on top of those goals. I plan to do JMBR in the morning/afternoon and my Tough Mudder workouts and running will take place in the evening. I know I can do this. I can feel how much stronger I have become just in the last month and for the first time in a very long time I am proud of where I am. I may not love all the flaws in my body, but I do not see them as much anymore. What I see in the mirror is a confident, strong woman. I am loving the person that I am becoming. And I look forward to seeing where this next 90 days will take me. I will post a review about JMBR at least every two weeks. I took some before pics, but I may wait until the hubby is home to take better ones. It’s hard to get a good picture when you are cramped for space and taking it yourself in front of a mirror. So I will wait to post them until tonight.
The other “fun” purchase I made today was this:
As I said, I needed to replace my scale. And even though these are not right away in the morning weigh ins, here is the difference between the old scale and the new scale:
I will take that! So this week I will show a significant loss, but it’s not really a loss so much as it is what I really weigh. For the Dietbet, I will continue to weigh in using my old scale until we are finished, as I think it would be cheating to use the new scale.So there you have it! My awesome morning! I bought some new workout clothes and a yoga mat (since I wasn’t able to bring home the one from Fitbloggin’ 12!). So I am ready to rock my day!
Adding my photos anyway, and I may change them later:
I have tried to set goals for myself before, and I just never seem to reach them. The problem was if I didn’t tell anyone about them it was easier to not follow through. If I did tell people about them I would feel overwhelmed and pressured to perform which usually ends with my giving up. So far, this year is different. I have already reached a couple of goals:
- I haven’t picked up a cigarette since the day after Christmas!
- I lost 4% of my body weight (and then some!) on Roni’s Diet Bet
- I lost over 11 pounds in the month of January
- My workouts are more consistent than they have been in months
Some of these accomplishments I had talked about previously, some I had not. But even though the month of January was long and hard, I succeeded. I want my
whole year February to go like that. I have to focus on small attainable goals. Seems easy enough, but sometimes I get too wrapped up in what my goals are that I forget why I set them in the first place. So here are a couple things I wish to attain in the month of February:
- Continue my #Whole30 to the end of the month, which will make it more than 30 days, but I’m thinking I need that
- Tough Mudder training 2 days a week
- Continue running 3 days a week
- Lose another 4% for Roni’s second DietBet
These are all attainable goals. My goal for this second DietBet is about 7 pounds in 28 days and I am already down 2 of them. So totally doable. I am loving my running again. I am working on getting more miles in instead of stopping at 3. I am also working toward being able to run a 5k without any walking breaks. I am sure I can do it, I just have to break through my mental block. My hubby and I did the Tough Mudder training over the weekend, and it was tough but doable. They recommend 3 days a week, but I know I’m not ready for that yet. So twice a week will be sufficient for the month of February. At that point I can re-evaluate where I am at. I should really take some pictures today to show my progress at the end of the month….
I am getting through each day strong by knowing that all I need to do is put my best effort in today. I don’t have to worry about what I will do tomorrow, as long as today in this moment I give my all. Today I am making homemade chicken stock (or bone broth) and my eating is on point. After lunch I will do my Tough Mudder training so I don’t have to worry about it tonight. The hubby is sick, so he won’t be joining me today, but in the future it’s something we are doing together. Makes it a little easier.
I got the idea to make monthly goals when a friend of mine on My Fitness Pal commented on my weight loss for the month: “Wouldn’t it be awesome if every month was like that?!?”. It got me thinking…if I lost 11 pounds every month I would hit my goal by the end of the year! Now I know I will not lose that amount that steadily every month, but it is something to shoot for. It gave me hope. It gave me inspiration. With this way of thinking, I could be close to my ultimate goal weight by the time I get to Fitbloggin. Um, freaking sweet! So rather than getting too caught up in that and being upset if I don’t reach that I am going to use that excitement and motivation to reach my small monthly goals. These small monthly goals will help me reach that ultimate goal. And I am determined to get there. It’s okay if it takes me longer than this year, but I will reach my goals. And with all the support from my friends on Twitter, I am sure to succeed!
And it’s technically not over yet. Things always get a little rough when someone is sick. Currently that someone is my 4 year old daughter. She was somehow infected with some sort of stomach bug and has been sick since 2 am Sunday. Since then I have cleaned up way more bodily fluid than I ever hoped was possible. Gross. I know. I’m sorry. But it’s life. Yesterday was ok, but long. I still went for a run last night (shorter than normal because honestly I was tired from my workout the night before). I ended up sleeping on the futon in downstairs so that I was closer to the munchkin, and boy was I glad I chose to do that. It beat having to go up and down the stairs over and over again! Thankfully the hubby was able to take the other two to school so that E and I could sleep. I think I slept until 11 am. I also took a nap. But that’s not even the true point here. Today was hard because I am emotionally and physically drained. I don’t want to think about anything, I don’t want to do anything. My hubby asked if we were going to do the Mudder training again tonight and I all but laughed. Um…no.
Eating was hard today. I am on Day 18 today and all I wanted was comfort food. Something loaded with gooey cheese, or something deep fried with frosting and sprinkles. I’m not usually a huge donut fan, but I would have had several today if they were in front of me. I really struggled. I didn’t want lettuce, I didn’t want light crispy veggies. I wanted chili with beans and cheese and sour cream with cornbread. I wanted spaghetti. Well, you name it and I wanted it. It was so hard to climb out of my funk. Thankfully I was with it enough to tell my hubby no to bringing home pizza. I for sure would not have been able to pass it up. So I had a handful of cashews and a clementine so that I was ravenous while figuring out my dinner. I sat in the living room until I came up with a plan for something to eat. I ended up making the closest thing I have come to so far on this whole30 journey to a comfort food. It’s difficult, because food isn’t supposed to be where I find my comfort. But I made something that I knew I would like, something that I knew would have a “soothing” effect on me. And it worked. It tasted good, it was healthy, it was on plan, and I feel satisfied. I know had I given in I would have felt horrible. It just wouldn’t be worth it to give in at this point. I’m over halfway done.
I am hoping this is just due to circumstances, and that I am not going to start craving foods I can live without. The cravings were so strong today that I could almost taste them. I am planning on early bed tonight and hoping that tomorrow is just way better than today. I know it could always be worse, so I am just praying the other two children stay healthy as well as us parents. One sick kid is too much as it is.
Today marks the halfway mark of my Whole30. I have people asking me what I am doing to lose weight, because they want to do it too. I have people telling me I look great and that they can tell I am doing something different. I feel great. And I am happy to pass the word along to others as to what I am doing differently. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. Even when I feel like I might be coming down with a bit of a cold, I am still feeling amazingly well. And I am learning things about myself I hadn’t really thought about before.
I have been so much fun creating new dishes in my kitchen. I forget how much I love to cook, and how much I love to create things that taste amazing. I sometimes will go with the same old, same old just because it’s easier. The Whole30 has definitely reignited the love of cooking for me. I have made a few dishes that I may even have to write up, just so I can made sure and do it again. Last night we had mango curry chicken, and it was sooo good. I had the leftovers for breakfast this morning since we were out of eggs, and it’s just as good leftover as it was fresh last night. I am learning that I don’t need to follow a recipe. I can intuitively figure out (most of the time) what flavors go well. I have had one dinner fall flat on it’s face, but only because it was too bland. I ended up taking the chicken from it and created several new meals out of it instead. So all was not lost. I am pretty certain my husband is enjoying have home cooked meals again. We had been surviving on fast food or meals out for far too long now. The kids miss the fast food though, which makes me kind of sad. On the plus side though, they are trying new things. Every new veggie they see me try, they try it too. They may not always like it, but they are trying it without hesitating as much as they would have before. They are asking for fruits and veggies for snacks as opposed to sugary things. I feel like we are definitely on the right track. Figuring out what to make that the kids will eat is actually my biggest challenge.
I’m learning that I really don’t need sweets. When I saw things on the website about not trying to recreate paleo desserts just to be able to have something sweet, I could totally understand it. This is a detox, designed to retrain your body how to function properly. Going without dessert is not new to me. I have done sugar free before. I have done Atkins before. I don’t mind not having sweets. At this point, I think I have maybe 1 serving of fruit a day, sometimes 2, but that’s pretty rare. I am finding that my “sweet” tooth isn’t really a tooth. It was an addiction. And now I can taste the natural sweetness of my butternut squash and sweet potatoes. I can taste the flavor of my food. For so long, everything needed to be either overly sweet or overly salty. Now I can taste the natural flavor of the food I am eating. Food is becoming so much more than something I shove in my face because I am bored or emotional. It is something I am learning to savor, to allow to heal me (not emotionally of course). By providing my body with healthy food it is healing, and I can tell. No amount of desserts or salty snacks will bring this much health to my life. I refuse to go back.
So here I am, at the halfway mark. I know I will keep going past 30 days. I may try reintroducing dairy, but other than that, I do not really plan on making too many changes to how I am eating. I prefer this. Yesterday was the first day I craved something off plan. I really wanted crackers, or bread, or something. But I knew it was only because my body was exhausted. My daughter had surgery yesterday morning and I haven’t been sleeping well. And when your body is tired it needs energy. My brain still thinks that the carbs will provide that energy. Well, it would provide a temporary solution to a problem that needs a permanent solution. So I ate a healthy meal and took a nap. I choice not to run yesterday as my body was too exhausted. I finally slept well last night, but I am still tired today. Again, I know this has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with the stress of my little girl having surgery. I was able to work through those silly cravings knowing that it was merely because I was tired. I knew that sugar really wouldn’t help, so why bother.
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am no longer consumed with food. I think about it a lot less than I used to. I will mentally plan out my day and there are times I spend too much time trying to figure out what to eat (that means I need to go grocery shopping) but for the most part I am able to focus on other things in my life. I am enjoying playing with my children in the morning, doing puzzles, playing hide and go seek. I have energy to get off the couch and be active with them. And I love it. I am so loving all the changes that are taking place. I feel a bit freer today than I have in a long while.