75 minute consultation with the personal training = serious reality check.
50 extra pounds back on= 41% body fat right now
Reality check = newfound determination to do this the right way
So I met with Nick, my personal trainer for the free consultation and I was really embarrassed by how I had to answer the questions. My eating habits have become so bad it was downright horrible to have to talk about it. My physical fitness is just non-existent and I have become extremely lazy. My weight has stabilized now, which is “good” since I haven’t been able to keep track of it. I believe it was 204 tonight, with shoes on 
. Then there was the calibers. Man, I hate those things! But between those and the other thing he used to measure my body fat puts me around 41% body fat. This is really not good. Basically he told me I am 120 pounds of lean muscle and 83 pounds of fat. That’s a lot of fat. This percentage puts me at higher risk for all sorts of diseases. Sigh…I can’t believe I have let it get this bad. A year ago I was 40 pounds lighter and much more physically fit! All my measurements have gone up, by at least 2 inches each…It was very hard for me to see that. But I have done it to myself!
The other thing he had me do was a push up test and a sit up test. I did modified push-ups and I managed to do 20! I probably could have eeked out a couple more, but my arms were shaking. As for the sit-ups, I was really surprised (and not in a good way) by how many I COULDN’T do! I did 10. Now, they were full sit-ups, arms on your chest, elbows to touch your knees. But the fact that I was not able to do more than 10 was rough. Huge dose of reality of what I have really done to myself by not caring.
So I got home a little earlier than I had thought I would and I got on the treadmill. I only planned on walking. I planned on 30 minutes. At about 10 minutes I was debating about stopping at 20. I was tired and my legs were burning. But instead at the 20 minute mark I jogged for a bit. Ended up going for 3 minutes. Not much, but it’s a start. I know I can’t expect to be anywhere near my physical abilities from last year. I have to put the effort and time in. I need to rebuild my stamina and endurance.
My first free training session is next Tuesday at 10 am. I am hoping that I can do a training once a week until I use the 3 free, then if I can earn enough from my Pampered Chef business I hope to be able to go every other week. I really need the accountability. I have the means at home. I can do my cardio at home. I just need that accountability. He had me set some goals. I want to be back to where I was (at least) by September which is about40 pounds of weight and being able to run a 5k in about 34 minutes. I want to at least be that far along in my progress. Of course being farther in my journey than that would be awesome! Eventually I will get back up to working out 5 or 6 days a week, but for now I will accept3. My “homework” for next week is to keep a food log. I know this will help keep me even more on track than before. I have logged food before, but I have never really shown it to anyone else before. This is a whole new level of accountability! I am really excited to finally have the kick in the ass that I needed!
It was second prize, but I still WON!
My husband also won the same prize, but I still WON!!!
About a week and a half ago my husband and I were going to the Avengers at our mall theater. We were early so we decided to go to lunch. Walking around the edge of the food court to get to the pizza place (after eating about 1100 calories for breakfast alone at Sonic!!) we were checking out some of the vendors that were there. There was one for Healthy Training. The guy asked if we wanted to enter a drawing. I honestly didn’t think we would win, so I didn’t really pay attention to what it was. What I was looking at was the fact that they offer boot camp, Zumba, personal training, yoga, and more, and best of all…no membership! I just pay per class, or per month of classes, but I can still use the facility before and after training. If I don’t use it for a month, I don’t have to pay! It really piqued my interest. However, after we left there, I promptly forgot about it. I spent the weekend on the road with my sister, had a blast and didn’t really worry about anything else. So last week, on Thursday, I think…I got a phone call saying I had won the second place prize. Found out the next day that my husband also got an email saying he won second place, so I am sure that there were several people that got it, if they showed interest. It’s a great way to get their name out there. Anway…what did I win???
I got a 75 minute free consultation with a trainer, which I did tonight, and 3 free 60 minute personal training sessions! I was psyched. This is the push I need. Some accountability from someone other than my husband. I know he tries, but seriously, I usually bite his head off if he reminds me I need to be eating better or working out. Just not good for the relationship. So I had my consultation tonight, which will be a separate post. This morning I was having some tummy troubles and was thinking about rescheduling. I knew that just pushing it back would inevitably mean I would never do it. So I did stick it out and go. Boy am I glad I did! It was the reality check I needed.
For anyone that previously followed me when I was blogging on Blog to Lose you may remember this about me:
I am a daily weigher.
For some people this is dangerous as it leads to negative thinking. For me personally it is my motivator. Seeing the fluctuations, knowing how the food I eat and the amount of water I drink can make a difference on my body kept me in line. If I didn’t weigh myself daily I would think that an extra snack here and another treat there would not make a difference because it would be a week before my next weigh in. This was my destructive pattern. I needed the scale to hold me accountable for my food choices. However, there has been a tragedy at our house, someone dropped something on the scale and broke it. It is not fixable. Horror of horrors, I can’t see my weight!
So here is where my mind is at today…I am completely ok with it! I know that my starting weight right now is 205. That was the most current weight I saw (about a week ago). So that’s what I am sticking with. It is time to start measuring success by other means than the scale. I think that even though it held me accountable, it was also detrimental to the mental side of my losing weight. I would focus on that number all day long. Literally. It was borderline ridiculous. This time in focusing on my journey as a time to find myself I want to focus on other ways of measuring my progress. Like the amount of energy I have, the way my clothes fit (or don’t fit), measurements, pictures, and my general “happiness”. I am tapering off my anti-depressants and I am feeling pretty good. I am beginning to have a little more energy these days.
One of the things I am discovering about myself is that I hide in front of screen when things get overwhelming. I have known that I do this for quite some time now, but I did not realize how much time I was really wasting in front of my computer. It’s so hard to do, but I think it might be time to say good-bye to Facebook games. I can’t get rid of Facebook completely as it is how I stay connected with people, but I need to quit the games. And the sad part is I feel guilty for quitting the games because I won’t be helping my friends out with the items they need! I need to remember that this journey is about me. It may sound selfish, but so often I put others needs in front of my own. The needs of others are even taking priority over my children! I need to make a change. It’s time.
I have been reading one of my favorite bloggers lately…ok so since last night. I saw that there was an article written about her, I will link it if I can locate it again, but it got me curious on a few things. (Here’s the article!) So I began at the beginning of her journey. I started reading at her first posts. I am about two months in at this point and I am inspired. But not in a “I have to kick myself in the ass to get started” inspiration. This is different. This is a very thoughtful place for me. I know I need a change. I know that I am capable of making the changes. I also know that I completely enjoy the changes once they are made. Reading her journey has made me crave running again. As I read about her first 5 minute run, then the first 8 minute run, 20 minute run…I am feeling her emotions. I know that at this point, she has lost her weight and is in maintenance mode. She is running marathons and has changed her entire life. She is married to the love of her life. I have to admit I am kind of jealous. I wonder if I can have all of that. Can I be healthy on the inside and out? There are so many things that I struggle with…
I honestly wish I could sit down with her and pick her brain. I have so many questions I would ask her, from where her determination came from in the beginning to how she allowed herself to be true to what was inside. I want that. I want to know who I am. I am fairly certain that only one person in my life knows some of the things that I struggle with. Coming from a very conservative, Christian background I do not dare discuss them with others. This makes things hard for me. Knowing that many people that actually personally know me sometimes read my blog makes me hesitate about baring it all out here. This completely defeats the purpose of this blog. I will be struggling with something and think I should blog about it, but then I remember that so-and-so might read it, so I decide I probably shouldn’t. I have even kept my website address from those that know me, but it is slowly getting out (partly my fault as I had it put on my bag that I take with me everywhere). Anyway, I know it is time for me to take the next step on my journey.
I guess that this is the next step, recognizing that it is a journey. I have “fallen off the wagon”, I have just made choices that take me further from my goals. I don’t like the wagon metaphor as it makes me feel like a failure. During the last few months (and 50 lbs gain!) I have discovered things about myself. This means that I am not a failure. My weight right now is around 205, highest ever non-preggo weight. And I accept it. I don’t like it, but right now I am where I am. Tomorrow I will make choices to either better myself or I will continue walking down the path I am right now. I wish I could say I will blog more regularly, but I know better. I wish I could say that I will work out everyday, but I know better. What I can say is that I will start by making my decisions consciously. So many months I have been on auto-pilot. I have been utterly exhausted and not caring. My decisions were not made, they just were. My goal for the next 7 days is to make my decisions consciously. I will actually process my thoughts instead of running through my day zombie-like. We have already made some house-hold changes to this affect, so making these changes in my personal journey to discovering my own potential should be an easier transition. But I know that nothing in this wonderful thing called life is really actually easy. I do hope to check in again in 7 days to let you know how things go. I am spending the weekend with my sister and sister-in-law which should be fun, but full of those decisions that will either help me or keep me where I’m at.
I have a huge homework assignment due tonight. Well actually it was due last Sunday night. At least the rough draft was. I have yet to type out anything more than the title page…come to think of it, I don’t think I even got that far! This has to be the worst online class I have ever taken. It’s not that the instructor is awful or that the work is too hard. I just don’t like it! It’s a visual communications class, all about art in the media. I honestly just don’t care! I have a 3.8 GPA and I am hoping to get a C in this class when all is said and done. Yuck. That’s a tough pill for me to swallow. I hate failing (and yes, a C is failing in my eyes). I know I am smarter than that. I know I can do it, I am just choosing not to. So this is me procrastinating. I have gotten all the other assignments done, just the big project is giving me a tough time. 8 pages on my favorite television show, and I have a feeling when I am done it won’t be my favorite show anymore!
Anyway, I have decided (after much internal struggle) that it is totally ok to write about things non-weight loss or fitness related on my blog. Whew….that was a long time coming. I have tried to keep this strictly that, and it has kept me from writing. However, writing is an outlet for me. If that means that I write about things not related to weight loss, so be it. I had considered doing a different blog to write about other stuff, but let’s face it…I can hardly keep up with this one! So that would just be a horrible idea. I figure that I probably have lost the majority of my readers due to my lack of presence here, so I won’t be bothering people by my possibly nonsensical writing. My goal here is to get healthy, and if that means writing about how much I can’t stand it when politicians just sit there and bash one another during the election year, then that’s what it will be. I just can’t keep myself from writing because there has been no weight loss progress. I do hope that I will continue to lose, but I have to do something about it in order for that to happen. And that means I cannot have a bowl of cereal, two toaster strudels, and half a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream for breakfast (true story, that’s what I ate this morning!). Yuck. No wonder I feel crappy all the time!
Well, on that wonderful note I should probably head to bed. It’s almost 11 pm and Monday’s are busy days for me. The good kind of buys though. Drop one kid off at school, the other two at a sitters house, and I get to spend my day doing things that I love! I have knitting club in the morning, then I go straight from there to a women’s bowling league (and no, I am not 60 years old…you can knit and bowl and be young and hip. Ok, so maybe not hip…). If I get a chance to, I hope to blog more often, but you all know how well that’s worked out for me in the past…….
Can I tell you a secret?
I no longer care.
I know that sounds awful, but it is the unfortunate truth. Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed or suicidal. I just suddenly am not as wrapped up in my appearance health the way I once was. This would normally make me feel guilty and then I would just feel worse about myself. Not this time. This time I just don’t care. The scale is creeping up close to 200 pounds. I have never been this heavy (except during pregnancy). Well, right after having Sean I was about this weight for a few months while I was battling some depression issues, but other than I have never been this heavy. I am sitting around 80 pounds overweight, which puts me right back into the obese category. I know this is not good. I know I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, but I have no desire to do anything about it.
Unfortunately I think it’s because there are some radical underlying issues now. Let me rephrase, I am now aware of some of the issues that have been there for years, but I didn’t even know they existed! This probably means I need to see a therapist of some sort. I must admit that I loathe going to see a therapist. I hate feeling as though someone is judging my life, my past, and then trying to help me “let go”. I know it’s something I should do, but it’s not something I have ever been comfortable with. However, there are some things that I am sure I need to work through before I can truly be healthy.
I hate being a downer on my blog, which is why I have not been on much. I do not make it a priority when I have nothing positive to write about. Yet when I am struggling with things is when I should be writing the most. It’s actually when I have blog ideas racing through my head, but I never get to writing it out. I have so many things that I think during the day to blog about, but they go unsaid for so many reasons…time (or lack thereof), fear, embarrassment, fear. I hate being afraid. I shouldn’t care what other people think of me or my opinions, yet I keep them to myself for fear of being judge, laughed at, or intimidated by others. Part of this fear is because I still have yet to figure out who I am. So when someone questions something that I say, I fear that it could cause me to shut down. I want to be strong. I know people see me as strong, but when you get down to the truth of it, I am just scared.
Strength is measured in so many ways, from being able to lift heavy weights to being able to make really difficult decisions in life and being able to come through on the other side. I think I may have posted about this once before, but it is ringing true in my ears today as I think back on this last week. I never really considered myself a strong person. I actually considered myself to be weak as I let people walk all over me and my life was such a mess. Then my mom told me one day that I am one of the strongest women she knows….that the crap I went through was enough to mess anyone up and that I have come out strong on the other side. Strong and confident. Two words that I never thought could ever describe someone like me. I realize that not many people actually know my whole story. I always thought that someday I could write a book about my life, but I am always deterred by the thoughts of “who on earth would want to read about my life?!?” All the self-doubt keeps me from going through all the details of my life with too many people. Little by little I would like to open up and allow others to see my life. All my strengths, weaknesses, ups, and downs. I know that this is going to be hard for me, there are parts of me that I have tried to keep hidden from even myself. But if I am to become healthy I need to face my past and move on. Hiding it keeps it hanging on, I need to let it all go.
I found strength this week. I am not digging too deep into my past with this one, but I have made a discovery about myself. Almost 6 years ago I met my hubby for the first time. We were set up on a blind date on June 11, 2006. At this point in my life I was losing weight and trying to get healthy. I was currently smoking, planning to quit on my birthday, which was the 15th. I kept trying to quit, but I was never completely successful. I did learn from my hubby that had I not “quit” smoking, he would not have dated me. I kept my secret, always promising myself I would quit at the next major milestone. I would quit when we got engaged. I would quit before the wedding because I didn’t want to keep things from my new husband. I would quit when…I never had the motivation to stay quit for longer than a few days at a time. Of course when I discovered I was pregnant I quit. Eventually I started back up again about 6 months after the baby was born. Mainly just socially. Then we got pregnant again, so I quit again. Every time I quit it was because I was forced to. I never quit because I made the decision to do so for myself. It was always for the well-being of another. And at one point during a conversation with another couple, my hubby took the credit for my quitting smoking almost six years ago! I was appalled that he could even think that he had anything to do with me quitting. This fall I started up again. At first just casually when I was at school or around my sister. Then it became more than that. I kept it a secret, again, but my hubby did discover that I was smoking again, and he was very concerned. He wanted to know when I was planning on quitting. I just shrugged. It wasn’t really a problem, I could stop if I wanted. I just didn’t really want to. I didn’t want him to take the credit for something I had to do. Every time I got down to one or two cigarettes left in the pack I swore to myself I would be done when they were gone, but every time I would end up buying another pack. Except last week.
I don’t know what made last week different. Maybe seeing 190 on the scale again and knowing I need to do something to get this under control. Maybe it was because I have been sick for weeks now, and I know smoking only makes matters worse. Maybe it was because it was super cold for a few days and it was pretty sucky to have to be outside for any reason. But something stuck in my brain. I was done. Last Wednesday I finished my last pack. Thursday was tough, but as I said it was really cold out, so at least I had that making it easier to keep myself from going outside. It helped also that I wouldn’t go buy them with my kids in tow. That just feels wrong. Friday was tough, but not too bad. The hardest day was Saturday because I was out by myself, the only time I ever smoked. I could stop by any number of gas stations on my way to knitting class. I told one of my knitting buddies that I had not had a cigarette in two days and she was so proud of me that it kept me going (she is an ex-smoker herself). Her praise boosted my strength enough to get me through the day. Each day since has presented some difficulties. I had to actually stop at a gas station on Sunday, and managed to not buy cigarettes. The thoughts in my head were that I can’t work out when I am smoking, I need to stay strong. I need to not go back. Yesterday I had class. I was considering rewarding my good behavior with a cigarette bummed from another classmate. That’s like rewarding my weight loss with a DQ Blizzard. Helllooo! Why did I think that would be a good idea! I just kind of laughed at myself and made sure I had something to do during the break times so that I was less tempted to go outside. I managed to stay strong. And this time it was for my well-being instead of someone else’s. I am staying strong because I deserve to be healthy! It feels good to be able to overcome this one. God has given me strength and reminded me of why I want to quit.
Strength…I do have it, even when I don’t realize it. I am a strong woman, capable of doing anything. I know I can because no one told me I can’t.
I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Mine was great with the small exception of being sick with the stomach flu. It struck the morning of Christmas Eve and I didn’t really get better until this morning. But don’t feel bad for me, it meant that I didn’t gorge myself on candy and rich food. I had chicken noodle soup. I also enjoyed a very quiet rest-filled day with my wonderful family. For the first time my oldest child seemed grateful for all she got for Christmas and she really enjoyed herself. I received exactly what I asked for, a Toshiba Thrive, which I have been playing around on when not sleeping to get better. I am pretty sure I actually loast weight this Christmas, the key is to not overdo it to make up for the missed holiday food.
I do plan on getting back to blogging more regularly now that the holiday busiy-ness is over. I have missed all my bloggy friends and the much needed support I receive from you all. I just felt I needed to update and at least out my face back out there again…well at least my blog anyway. Everyone have a safe and happy New Year!
In all honesty, I did not start back on track on Tuesday as I had originally planned. My craving for sugary cereal for breakfast and a large peppermint white mocha on my way to Bible study won over my desire to lose weight. So I began again yesterday. What was the difference between yesterday and Tuesday? I have absolutely no idea. I just decided that I was going to do it. Even though that meant sitting in a coffee shop while my children ate my favorite scone and everyone else was drinking my absolute favorite beverage…but I held strong. 5 days really isn’t that long. Food will still be here at the end of the 5 days. And I am not actually hungry. The shakes and bars are filling, and I am eating enough calories for what my body actually needs to function. There is no deprivation except an emotional or mental one. I am restricted for 5 days, so these few days I will be faced with an onslaught of delicious food smells because “I can’t” have it.
That last statement really is not true, and it’s something I have dealt with before while doing this cleanse. People have told me that “it’s ok to have one” or “you’re taking this too seriously” or even the thoughts from my own head of “you can just start again tomorrow”. But here’s the truth, I am choosing not to eat the junk. I am choosing my health. How can you take your health too seriously? The answer is that you really can’t.
So I was sitting her going through my Google Reader which has been just piling up over the months. It’s funny because I always have it open on my laptop, but I quit reading other people’s posts. It made me feel too guilty to read about how others were doing while I sat eating cold leftover pizza. So I watched the number of unread posts climb higher and higher. Yesterday and today I decided to start reading a few of my favorites to get caught up on their lives. Oh how I have missed the encouragement I get from reading those posts! I still have many to catch up on (568 is the official count right now) but I read a few of the bloggers who have been my inspirations in the past. One of my all time favorite bloggers is Tara. She is honest and real. I love that about her. She doesn’t mess around. She’s not there to impress, she is there to learn and grow. I respect her for honesty. Reading her posts from the last few months was something I definitely needed today. She talked about really feeling your emotions and not feeling guilty about any of them. This is a huge thing for me. I don’t like people to see my emotions. This is probably part of the reason I turned back to smoking. It was easier to drown my feelings in food and cigarettes. I really need to learn how to feel each emotion and allow them to happen. This could really take some work!
The post that hit me the hardest, though, was the most recent one she did: about going to Walmart (and for anyone in my family that reads this, this is not talking about what we usually are referring to when discussing going to Walmart!) In this post she talks about witnessing an obese mother and her young child and the young child desperately reaching for her diet soda. We don’t drink diet soda in my house because I completely believe that it is worse for you than regular soda (which we don’t drink here either, except on very few occasions). However I can see how mine and my husbands habits of going for sugary treats or the convenience of fast food recently has negatively affected my young children. My 3 year old is devastated when told “no” about a treat. Sugar for her can change her whole personality. My little man who would really eat anything we put in front of him is showing he prefers the sweeter items, mainly because they have been allowed more in the home. I need to put my foot down! The junk food in our home needs to stop. I do not want to be the cause of my children growing up with disordered eating. I want them to have a healthy relationship with food. This journey has gone from a personal one to one that must include my family. My children need to regain their ability to eat healthy food. I need to remember to buy the healthy food. I know we are capable of eating better, we’ve done it in the past. I just need my husband on board here! We need to ditch the candy and invest in good, wholesome foods to keep for snacking…
I know that with the holidays coming up it is actually a very difficult time to overhaul eating habits, but with small changes over time I do hope think that we will be successful.
It has been such a long time since I have logged in to post anything here. I feel as though I probably owe an explanation as to why I have been MIA for so long, yet I am sure most people can understand my absence. There have been many things leading up to my plunge into waters too deep for me to withstand on my own. However, I am slowly making my way back to shallow waters where I can feel my toes in the sand. I feel as though once I have my feet planted firmly back underneath me this journey will be more steadfast, as opposed to the flailing attempts of the past few months.
It’s such a cliche to say that “life just got busy”. Everyone’s lives are busy! I am definitely not an exception to the rule, and my life is not busier than others either. I just allowed the busyness of life to get in the way. Finding time to run with 2 little ones was difficult, so I stopped. The stress of my life has increased and I started bumming cigarettes off my sister. Ouch. So not only am I not running, I am relieving stress in a most unhealthy way. (Sorry Mom!) I have no intentions to continue down this path. I desire health for myself. I just got lazy. There really is no other way to say it. With the stress of homework since I started school up again, the stress of my grandfather passing away just a few weeks ago, the stress of young children and all that they entail…I allowed myself to get sucked into being busy. I am back up in the 180s for weight. I never wanted to see those numbers again, but there they are.
Strangely enough, I do not feel horrible about myself. Yeah, I feel crappy about my weight gain and I am definitely not proud of how off track I have gotten, but I am not defeated. I will not beat myself up for my choices. I plan to move forward. I started by making a healthy dinner last night. I know it doesn’t sound like much but we have had so much fast food recently that it really was a big success for me. I have now weaned Sean from nursing so I know that I can safely cut calories and Reset. Reset is a 5 day cleanse which includes fruits and veggies. I have done it before, and it absolutely resets my body. It helps to rid my body of the toxins of sugar. Please do not think I am doing some sort of crash diet…I guarantee you that I am not. I will be starting this on Tuesday, and I am greatly looking forward to being free from the clenches of sugar. People think that nicotine is addictive…sugar is even more so! Anyway, that’s where I am at right now. I am not making any promises to anyone but myself. And the promise I make is to honor my body. I want to respect it, and right now I am not.
