It’s no secret now (at least to those that were around me) that I was a complete wreck at Fitbloggin’ 12. Although maybe I did do a great job of hiding it at the time, except during sessions that were emotional. Then I just cried and couldn’t stop. Some people didn’t realize just how much I was hurting at the time. They just knew something was off. Or maybe they didn’t. I have become extremely good at keeping those feelings stuffed. While I was at Fitbloggin, they were just barely under the surface, which is why it was a struggle to hide from them. Especially during something that was so emotional anyway. So afterwards I was left raw. Those things spilled to the surface, one at a time. I know I have talked about this before, so I won’t get back into it all. But I do have to do something as I go through my life believing I am “better” when I’m really not.
For a few months after the conference I was hurting. I talked about it, I blogged (some) about it. I was going to get help. My heart felt like it was shattered. I didn’t know how to pick up and move on. Over time, I began to add the layers back over the emotions. Some with food, some with feigned emotion. Things were getting “better”. I honestly didn’t even realize it until this morning. I was remembering when Robbie asked me “Where does it hurt?” And the only response I could give was to place my hand over my heart. There was so much pain. Even now I am not sure I can explain it well. I can’t tell you why it hurt so much. Maybe because I am an empathetic person and I was taking on the pain of others. It’s possible. But that much pain had to be rooted somewhere in myself. As I was recalling this pain I realized how long it’s been since I really felt that. I realized that right now I am “better”. Which of course led me to wonder, how on earth did I get “better”?
The true answer is, I didn’t. I pretend I did. Those layers were placed carefully back over the hurt, the immense pain. They are now back and carefully protecting my heart from any more hurt. The top layer is re-developing the tough skin that had been so torn just a few months ago. I am once again becoming an empty shell of myself. I can feel it on the days when I am frustrated, like yesterday, and I eat a whole pizza by myself. It was gluten free. It was 10 inches. But I ATE THE WHOLE THING. My justification? That I didn’t want to have the left overs tempting me the next day. It would just be better to eat the whole thing now. Um, really??? So the layers are back, thickening as I continue on my journey. I can get healthy, I can get physically fit. No problem. I am working on that. But the more layers there are, and the thicker they become, the more my heart stays in pain. I try so hard to shield myself from the hurt and from what I know will cause so much hardship for me. All it does is delay the healing. I will not be totally healthy until I am emotionally healed. I have no idea when this happened. I have no idea when I became so shut down. I always thought I trusted people so easy and I wear my heart on my sleeve. Somewhere along the line that changed. I don’t know when, where, or why. But it did.
As I write this, I can feel the emotion. It’s just under the surface. By the end of the day I will have buried it. Forgotten, but not really gone. It’s always there. It surfaces when my kids irritate me, when my husband says something I deem inappropriate, or when I just can’t handle life anymore. And the tears come. Sometimes just prickling my eyes as they wait to be shed, sometimes streaming down my face. But once they are gone everything is “better” again. Right now because I am feeling “better” I see no reason to fix it. But I know I need to. One layer at a time.