So yesterday was weigh in day. Now before I reveal how much I lost, remember that I just bought a new scale since my old one was pretty broken…
Last weeks weight: 186.6
Yesterdays weight: 181.0
Loss of: 5.6 pounds!
Ok, so it really is more like 1.6 pounds since I have to account for the 4 pound difference on the scales. No problem. 1.6 is still a great loss because it is after all, a loss. I have been slightly discouraged that my weight has been 181 since last Friday. It has not budged. And it’s tough. I know I’m doing the right things. I am eating better than I ever have. I am closing in on the perceived end of my whole30. I’m on day 28 today, but I do plan to go through to the end of February. I am working out twice a day right now with the start of Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (which I will do a weekly wrap up on Sunday/Monday). I am just assuming my body just needs a minute to catch up, readjust, and then drop more weight. I just want it to keep losing. That being said, all my shirts that barely fit me this fall because they were too tight, they are hanging on me today. They are getting to the point of being too big to wear. So I know that even though the scale may not be moving right now, I am making a difference! So that is encouraging.
My biggest frustration right now is the fact that the harder I work on myself, the further it pushes me away from the hubby. Things haven’t been all that great lately, and I feel like it’s not getting any better. I am even getting up at 5:45 to workout in the morning so that we can spend more time together on his lunch breaks and in the evenings. It just doesn’t seem to be helping matters. I find myself increasingly annoyed with everything he does. I know that’s not fair to him, I just don’t understand why this is happening. Every time I work on myself (yes, this has happened in the past, probably part of the reason I always quit before I reach my goal) it pushes us apart. As if the more I discover myself it opens my eyes to things I could just let pass before. And it’s not that he’s not supportive of my efforts, because he is. He is even eating healthier and going to the gym again. He joined the Dietbet and he is working hard to drop some weight. It’s more…I don’t know. It’s like being in high school again.
Let me explain that. Remember in high school (and maybe this isn’t how things worked for you, but it’s how it was for me). You had a crush on someone, but they never returned the favor. That’s rough. But you deal with it. I definitely had that happen to me. I wanted to have a boyfriend so badly that the first guy that liked me was “good enough”. It didn’t matter whether I really liked them as much as they liked me. It would come with time, right? Well when it didn’t happen, I would back off, but not break up. I didn’t want to hurt them. So I would push away until they broke up with me. When I met my hubby I was in a spot where I really didn’t believe anyone would be able to love me. I was a single mom of 2 year old, had just given my newborn son up for adoption. I was a mess. But here was this great guy that absolutely adored me. Yes I did adore him as well, but being me I was afraid to get too close. I kept my distance, but I craved love. I wanted to know that he loved me. It was the most important thing to me, to be loved. I needed him to love me. I thought I was happy. And for a lot of the time I was. But I was concerned. As our wedding approached, I was worried. Did I love him enough to marry him? Well, I sure couldn’t walk away now, I had promised to marry him! The love will come.
And now I sit here wondering why this is so hard. Why can’t I love him in the way that he loves me? I was happy with him once, why can’t I be happy now?
Sorry for the somewhat downer post, I just needed to get this all out. There is so much wrong here I wonder if it can be fixed. But I think the biggest question is, Do I want it fixed?
February 7th, 2013 at 8:59 am
Wow… I wish I had some words of encouragement. I do hope things work out for you. And congratulations on the loss!
February 7th, 2013 at 9:10 am
Thanks. I know that things will get better, I just don't know for how long. Thank you for taking the time to comment, that is encouraging in itself
February 7th, 2013 at 2:46 pm
My only advice is don't rush into any decisions. Give the new you time to get to know the new him. I'm always here if you want to talk about it.
February 7th, 2013 at 3:10 pm
Thanks Sharla! I really appreciate it. I know we have a long road ahead of us, no matter which way we go.
February 7th, 2013 at 3:31 pm
I know that feeling well. I was a lot like that in college, too. I hope you take the time to listen to your heart and really follow what it's saying … no matter how hard it might be.
Love you, friend!
February 7th, 2013 at 3:50 pm
Wow, this is an amazingly honest post. I can 100% understand where you are coming from on the feelings with your husband. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 years. I love him, really I do. But I've grown and changed since we met. Its not that I can't see a future with him, we talk about getting married all the time. But is that the future I really want? I've never dated anyone else, never experience living on my own. What if I'm missing out on something? On the other hand, what if he is meant for me, and I walk away? Can I live with that decision?
Sometimes the decisions we make are difficult and they hurt really damn bad. We got a lot to think about. I hope you can find happiness, whatever decision you choose.
February 7th, 2013 at 3:57 pm
Thanks Emily! As I was thinking about things today I am pretty sure I can pin point why I "needed" it so badly. I am working through all these things, and in the end I wonder what will be left. And that thought terrifies me, mainly because of my children.
February 7th, 2013 at 4:02 pm
Thanks Samantha! There are so many "what-if's" in life that it's way too easy to get caught up in them. Right now I struggle with the fact that if I were to leave, what would become of my kids. I know that "they" say it never works to stay together just because of the kids. But right now I know that's what I am doing. I am more terrified of what would happen if than I am of staying where I'm at. But if I stay here, the new me will get shoved back again. It's a balance that I haven't quite figured out yet. I hope you can figure out what is right for you! I know how hard the decision is. What I can tell you right now, is don't settle. Don't do it because you think it's the only option, or that you have to because you have been together for so long. Do it because you know it's right in your heart. And good luck! If you ever need someone to chat with, I'm always here!