So yesterday was weigh in day. Now before I reveal how much I lost, remember that I just bought a new scale since my old one was pretty broken…
Last weeks weight: 186.6
Yesterdays weight: 181.0
Loss of: 5.6 pounds!
Ok, so it really is more like 1.6 pounds since I have to account for the 4 pound difference on the scales. No problem. 1.6 is still a great loss because it is after all, a loss. I have been slightly discouraged that my weight has been 181 since last Friday. It has not budged. And it’s tough. I know I’m doing the right things. I am eating better than I ever have. I am closing in on the perceived end of my whole30. I’m on day 28 today, but I do plan to go through to the end of February. I am working out twice a day right now with the start of Jillian Michaels Body Revolution (which I will do a weekly wrap up on Sunday/Monday). I am just assuming my body just needs a minute to catch up, readjust, and then drop more weight. I just want it to keep losing. That being said, all my shirts that barely fit me this fall because they were too tight, they are hanging on me today. They are getting to the point of being too big to wear. So I know that even though the scale may not be moving right now, I am making a difference! So that is encouraging.
My biggest frustration right now is the fact that the harder I work on myself, the further it pushes me away from the hubby. Things haven’t been all that great lately, and I feel like it’s not getting any better. I am even getting up at 5:45 to workout in the morning so that we can spend more time together on his lunch breaks and in the evenings. It just doesn’t seem to be helping matters. I find myself increasingly annoyed with everything he does. I know that’s not fair to him, I just don’t understand why this is happening. Every time I work on myself (yes, this has happened in the past, probably part of the reason I always quit before I reach my goal) it pushes us apart. As if the more I discover myself it opens my eyes to things I could just let pass before. And it’s not that he’s not supportive of my efforts, because he is. He is even eating healthier and going to the gym again. He joined the Dietbet and he is working hard to drop some weight. It’s more…I don’t know. It’s like being in high school again.
Let me explain that. Remember in high school (and maybe this isn’t how things worked for you, but it’s how it was for me). You had a crush on someone, but they never returned the favor. That’s rough. But you deal with it. I definitely had that happen to me. I wanted to have a boyfriend so badly that the first guy that liked me was “good enough”. It didn’t matter whether I really liked them as much as they liked me. It would come with time, right? Well when it didn’t happen, I would back off, but not break up. I didn’t want to hurt them. So I would push away until they broke up with me. When I met my hubby I was in a spot where I really didn’t believe anyone would be able to love me. I was a single mom of 2 year old, had just given my newborn son up for adoption. I was a mess. But here was this great guy that absolutely adored me. Yes I did adore him as well, but being me I was afraid to get too close. I kept my distance, but I craved love. I wanted to know that he loved me. It was the most important thing to me, to be loved. I needed him to love me. I thought I was happy. And for a lot of the time I was. But I was concerned. As our wedding approached, I was worried. Did I love him enough to marry him? Well, I sure couldn’t walk away now, I had promised to marry him! The love will come.
And now I sit here wondering why this is so hard. Why can’t I love him in the way that he loves me? I was happy with him once, why can’t I be happy now?
Sorry for the somewhat downer post, I just needed to get this all out. There is so much wrong here I wonder if it can be fixed. But I think the biggest question is, Do I want it fixed?